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Gum-Chewing

A gum-chewing American and a Frenchman are sitting together in a
restaurant. The American feel really proud to be an American, so
he starts a conversation.

He asks the Frenchman, “When you eat bread, do you eat all of
it?”

“Mais oui!, of course!” responds the Frenchman.

“Well,” says the American, “we only eat the soft part of it. The
rest we collect in containers, take to a factory and put through
a mill. What comes out are little breads that we sell in France.

“And what about steaks?” he continues. “Do you eat all parts of
them?”

“Bien sur! We do,” replies the Frenchman.

“You don`t say!” says the America, grinning. “We don`t! We only
eat the meaty part of the steak. The greasy part we collect in
containers, take to a factory, put through a mill, and what
comes out are little steaks that we sell in France.”

Now the Frenchman is really riled. So he asks, “And what do
Americans do with their used condoms?”

“Hey, we throw them away of course,” says the American.

“Ha!” exclaims the Frenchman. “We collect them in containers,
take them to a factory and put them through a mill. What comes
out is chewing gum that we sell in America!”

A Visitors’ Guide to Dallas, Texas

A Visitors’ Guide to Dallas, Texas
(Life in America’s fifth largest city)

1. You must learn to pronounce the city name. It is DAL-LUS, or
DAA-LIS depending on if you live inside or outside LBJ Freeway.

2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Dallas has
its own version of traffic rules….Hold on and pray. There is
no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Dallas. We all
drive like that.

3. All directions start with, “Go down to Beltline”…which has
no beginning and no end.

4. The Chamber of Commerce calls getting through traffic a
“scenic drive.”

5. The morning rush hour is from 6:00 to 10:00. The evening rush
hour is from 3:00 to 7:00. Friday’s rush hour starts Thursday
morning.

6. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear
ended, cussed out and possibly shot. When you are the first one
on the starting line, count to five when the light turns green
before going to avoid getting into any cross-traffic’s way.

7. Arapaho Road can only be pronounced by a native. The same
holds true for Wycliff Avenue, Worcola Street, Sul Ross and
Routh Street.

8. Construction on I-30 is a way of life and form of
entertainment.

9. All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, “Oh,
we’re in Fort Worth!!”

10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably
a factory defect.

11. All old ladies with blue hair in pink Cadillacs have the
right of way.

12. Story Road mysteriously changes names as you cross
intersections. Unless you’re on Storey Rd……

13. If asking directions in Irving, you must have knowledge of
Spanish.

14. Dallas/Fort Worth International Airport has four terminal
buildings connected by one tram that never works.

15. A trip across town (east to west) will take a minimum of
four hours, although many north/south freeways have unposted
minimum speeds of 75. The minimum acceptable speed on the Dallas
North Toll Road is 85. Anything less is considered downright
sissy.

16. The wrought iron on windows in and around Oak Cliff isn’t
ornamental.

17. Never stare at the driver of the car with the bumper sticker
that says,”Keep honking. I’m reloading.” In fact, don’t honk at
anyone. Concealed weapons are a jealously guarded, God-given
right.

18. If you are in the left lane, and only going 70 in a 60 mph
zone…people are not waving when they go by.

19. The North Dallas Toll way is our daily version of NASCAR.

20. LBJ is called “The Death Trap” for two reasons: “death” and
“trap.”

21. If it’s 100 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend.

22. If it’s 10 degrees and sleeting/snowing, the Fort Worth Live
Stock show is going on.

23. If it’s rained 6 inches in the last hour, the Byron Nelson
Golf Classic is in the second round.

24. Amusement parks, stadiums, arenas, race tracks, airports,
etc. are conveniently located as far away from EVERYTHING as
possible so as to allow for ample parking on grassy areas.

Magic Mountain Of Shit

One time three people a canadian, a american, and a chinise
person. heard about a mountain that if you jumped of it and
said something you’d land in it. So they decided they’d try it
when the got there the American jumped of it and yelled money
and landed in millions of dollars. then the canadian ran and
jumped off and he yelled hot naked woman and he landed in a pile
of hot naked woman. Finally the chinse guy ran for the edge and
tripped yelled SHIT and he landed in a pile of shit.

Macdonalds

A German tourist walks into a McDonald’s in New York City and
orders a beer. The local guy in the line behind him immediately
gives him a verbal jab, “They don’t serve beer here, you moron!”

The German fellow felt embarrassed. However, he turned to the
New Yorker with a surprised look on his face and begins to
chuckle.

“And what’s so funny?” the New Yorker demands.

“Oh, nothing really, I just realized how stupid you are. You
came here for the food!”

Snow

AUG 12 Moved to our new home in upstate New York. It is so
beautiful here. The mountains are so majestic. Can hardly wait
to see them with snow on them. I love it here.

OCT 14 Upstate New York is the most beautiful place on earth.
The leaves are turned all the colors and shades of red and
orange. Went for a ride through the beautiful mountains and saw
some deer. They are so graceful, certainly they are the most
wonderful animal on earth. This must be paradise. I love it here.

NOV 11 Deer season will start soon. I can’t imagine anyone
wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it will snow
soon. I love it here.

DEC 2 It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed
with white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and
cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had
a snowball fight (I won), and when the snow plow came by, we had
to shovel again. What a beautiful place. I love upstate New York.

DEC 12 More snow last night. I love it. The snow plow did his
trick again to the driveway. I love it here!

DEC 19 More snow last night. Couldn’t get out of the driveway to
get to work. I am exhausted from shoveling. Fucking snow plow.

DEC 22 More of that white shit fell last night. I’ve got
blisters on my hands from shoveling. I think the snow plow hides
around the curve and waits until I’m done shoveling the
driveway. Asshole!

DEC 25 Merry Fucking Christmas! More friggin snow. If I ever get
my hands on that son-of-a-bitch who drives that snow plow, I
swear I’ll kill the bastard. Don’t know why they don’t use more
salt on the roads to melt the fucking ice.

DEC 27 More white shit last night. Been inside for 3 days except
for shoveling out the driveway after that snow plow goes through
every time. Can’t go anywhere, car’s stuck in a mountain of
white shit. The weatherman says to expect another 10″ of the
shit again tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow
10″ is?

DEC 28 The fucking weatherman was wrong. We got 34″ of that
white shit this time. At this rate it won’t melt before next
summer. The snow plow got stuck up the road and that bastard
came to the door and asked to borrow my shovel. After I told him
I had broken six shovels already shoveling all the shit he
pushed into the driveway, I broke my last one over his fucking
head.

JAN 4 Finally out of the house today. Went to the store to get
food and on the way back a damned deer ran in front of the car
and I hit it. Did about $3,000 damage to the car. Those fucking
beasts should be killed. Wish the hunters had killed them all
last November.

MAY 3 Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the
thing is rusting out from that fucking salt they put all over
the road.

MAY 10 Moved to Georgia. I can’t imagine why anyone in their
right mind would want to live in that God-forsaken state of New
York.

Location

“Places I’d Rather Not Live In…”
Paradox, New York
Crapo, Maryland
Boogertown, North Carolina
Spasticville, Kansas
Hellhole, Idaho
Purgatory, Maine

What would Freud say about…

Climax, Michigan
Spread Eagle, Wisconsin
Needmore, Arkansas (Clinton’s Home Town?)
Hardup, Utah
Big Bogue Homo, Mississippi
Intercourse, Pennsylvania
Hornytown, North Carolina
Conception Junction, Missouri

It doesn’t surprise me that there is a…

Rudeville, New Jersey
Boring, Oregon
Hell, Michigan
Hooker, California
Virgin, Utah
Dulls Corner, Maryland
Bowlegs, Oklahoma
Volcano, Hawaii
Beersville, Pennsylvania
Fleatown, Ohio
Burnt Corn, Alabama
Two Guns, Arizona
Toad Suck, Arkansas

Spelling

Wow do Canadians spell their country????

Well…Americans spell it like C-A-N-A-D-A….

Then how do you spell it the canadian way…

Not very different just like this…C-AYE-N-AYE-D-AYE.

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