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Cute Kid

This is a true story

One day as a 6 month pregnant woman was getting ready for her
shower her little boy walked in and said, “Mommy, you’re gettin
fat!” the mom said to her little boy, “yes, i told you, i am
going to have a baby and it is growin in my stomach. To that the
boy replied “i know that there is a baby growing in your stomach
but what is growing in your but?”

First Time

The night was dark, the moon was low
I looked at her eyes which seemed to glow,
She licked my face, so nice and slow,
I touched her body and held her tight,
Oh what a lovely perfect night!
I put my hands on her warm breasts,
She lay there without any protest,
With her legs stretched wide, I bent down,
it was over quick,she didn’t even make a sound
soon the flowing white stuff came out,
I knew that I did it some how,

it was my first time milking a COW!

Facelift

A lady goes to the doctor to see about getting a facelift.
“Well,” says the doctor, “I can do the facelift, and then you’ll
have to come back in six months for a follow-up.” “Oh, no.” the
woman replies. “I want it all done in one shot. I don’t want to
have to come back.” The doctor thinks for a second, then offers,
“There is a new procedure where we put a screw in the top of
your head. Then anytime you see wrinkles appearing, you just
give it a little turn, which pulls the skin up and they
disappear.” “That’s what I want!” exclaims the lady. “Let’s do
that.”

Six months later the lady charges into the doctor’s office.
“How’s the procedure holding up?” the doctor asks. “Terrible!”
the lady bellows. “It’s the worst mistake I’ve ever made.”
“What’s wrong?” asks the doctor. “Just look at these bags under
my eyes!” she hollers. “Lady,” the doctor reports, “those aren’t
bags, those are your boobs, and if you don’t leave that screw
alone, you’re going to have a beard!”

Strap It Down

This guy has a problem and goes to the doctor. The doctor asks,
“What’s the problem?” The guy pulls down his pants and pulls out
his rather large and fat penis. The doctor asks, “That’s your
problem?” The guy replies, “Yes. Everytime I go on a date I
smell the girl’s perfume and when we get close I get this tent
in my pants and it scares the girl off!” The doctor says, “I
can’t give medication for this. But I have a suggestion. Next
time you go on a date try strapping it to your leg and that
should hold it down.”

A couple of days later the doctor ran into the guy on the street
and asked, “So, how did it go?”

The guy replied, “I strapped it to my leg like you told me. Then
I went on the date with the girl and everything was going well
until it came time to take her home. I walked her up to the
porch and she told me that she had a great time. Then we kissed.
While kissing she dropped her purse. When she bent down to pick
it up I got a shot down her shirt and I got excited and kicked
her right in the face!”

Weight Loss Program

A fellow was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that
his doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees
is an advertisement for a guaranteed weight loss program.
“Guaranteed like heck,” he thinks to himself. “But lets see what
they think they can do.” He calls them on the phone and
subscribes to the 3 day, 10 LB weight loss program.

The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he
answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19 year
old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nikes and a sign
hanging around her neck. She introduces herself as a
representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, “If
you can catch me, you can have me.” Without a second thought he
takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he
finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are
through he kisses the girl one last time and thinks to himself
with a nod, “I like the way this company does business.” For the
next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens
each time. On the fourth day, he weigh himself and, sure enough,
he has lost 10 pounds.

Deciding that he likes his somewhat more slender physique, not
to mention the method of treatment, he calls the company back
and subscribes to their 5 day, 20 LB weight loss program. He
thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems like a lot,
but he is intrigued by what their workout schedule might be like
this time.

As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When
he answers it there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in
nothing but a pair of Reeboks and a sign hanging around her
neck. She is simply stunning, the most beautiful woman he has
ever seen. She introduces herself as a representative of the
weight loss company. The sign reads, “If you can catch me, you
can have me.” He’s out the door like a shot. This gal is in
excellent shape and it takes a while to catch her. But when he
does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. She is wonderful, the
best he has ever had. He is really looking forward to the next
four days… For the next four days, the same girl shows up and
the same thing happens each time, much to his delight. On the
sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost
another 20 pounds.

I love this company, he thinks to himself, “I never knew losing
weight could be so easy and so much fun.” Feeling much better
about himself, he decides to go for broke and subscribe to the
company’s 7 day, 50 pound weight loss program. “Are you sure,
sir?” Asks the representative on the phone. “This is our most
vigorous program.” “Absolutely,” says he, “I love your program.
Haven’t felt this good in years!”

The next day there comes a knock at his door and he
enthusiastically answers it. There stands before him a 200 pound
perfect specimen of a man dressed in nothing but racing spikes
and a sign around his neck. He introduces himself as a
representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, “If I
can catch you, I can have you.”

The Rubdown

A hospital patient, recovering from minor surgery, was being given an alcohol rubdown by two of the hospital’s more attractive nurses.

While manipulating the man’s body they noted that the word “tiny” was tattooed on the head of his penis.

Some months after the man’s discharge, Mary, one of the nurses, tod Joan, the other, that she had dated their former patient.
“How could you go out with a man that had ‘tiny’ tattooed on his love stick?” exclaimed Joan.

“How could I indeed!” said Mary. “It said ‘tiny’ when it was soft, but when aroused, it spelled:
‘Tiny’s Delicatessen & Catering Service. We deliver at all times, twenty-four hours a day!!!’”

Glucose in Semen

This actually happened at Harvard University in October of this year. In a
biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found
in semen.

A young female freshman raised her hand and asked, “If I understand,
you’re saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in male semen?”

“That’s correct,” responded the professor, going on to add statistical
info.

Raising her hand again, the girl asked, “Then why doesn’t it taste sweet?”

After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor
girl’s face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had
inadvertently said, or rather implied, she picked up her books without a
word and walked out of class…and never returned. However, as she was
going out the door, the professor’s reply was classic…. Totally
straight-faced he answered her question, “It doesn’t taste sweet because
the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the
back of your throat.”

“My Balls. . . . .”

a guy walks through a town and sees that there is a contest. . the reward is $5000.00
. . you have to make a horse laugh. . . there are a bunch of people around trying to tell jokes, funny stories and they even tried to tickle the horse but he just wouldn’t laugh. . the the guy takes the hore behind the bush and he comes out crakin up . . .he gets his reward. . . the next day the guy is leaving town and sees that there is another contest for $10000.00 you have to make the horse cry . . there are people sitting around teling stories about there familes and bad things that happened to them . . .but the horse just wouldn’t cry. . .so the guy takes the hotse behind the bush an he comes out crying . . so hte guy gets his reward and getting ready to leave. . .the people in the town saywait . . .wait. . before you leave tell us how u did it. . how did u make him laugh? He said i told him that my balls were bigger than his . . they said oka yhow did u make him laugh he said i showed him!!!!

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