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Guide to Heaven

A man died and went to heaven. An angel was showing him around. The angel
showed him a room full of people singing gospel music. The angel explained
that these were the Baptists. He showed the man another room full of
people talking and laughing. He explained that these were the Methodists
and Protestants. They then walked by another room and the angel said,
“Shhhh!” The man asked “Why?” The angel replied, “Those are the Catholics;
they think they are the only ones here!”

Joining the Church

Three couples wanted to join the Catholic Church: an elderly
couple, a middle-aged couple, and a young, newly-married couple.
The parish priest held an interview session to determine the
worthiness of each couple. He began with this lecture: “The
Catholic Church prizes abstinence as a virtue. In order to be
eligible to join the Church, you will be required to abstain
from sexual relations for one week.” He observed their
reactions: The older looked at each other fondly and smiled; the
middle-aged man breathed a sigh of relief, while the woman shot
him a dirty look; both the young newlyweds broke out in a cold
sweat and trembled. The priest noted this and told the six
hopefuls: “I want to speak with you all a week from today, same
time, to check on your progress.” The couples all left his
office.

One week later, the three couples returned, and once again met
in the priest’s office. The priest greeted them all, saying
“Welcome back, my children! I trust you did not have too much
difficulty with this test.” The elderly man just laughed. “No,
not a bit of difficulty, Father!” His gray-haired wife leaned
toward the priest and whispered “Earl lost his manly functions
twenty years ago; I’m relieved that that part of my wifely duty
is finished!” The priest smiled, shook hands with both of them
and said “Congratulations! You have proven yourselves worthy of
the Catholic Church!”

He turned to the middle-aged couple and asked “How about you
two?” The man hung his head; the woman replied, “It wasn’t easy.
James is going through a midlife crisis and staring at porno
magazines. I’m hitting my sexual peak and reached for my dildo a
few times, but we stayed strong.” The priest shook his head. “It
seems to me this may be a hard adjustment for you to make. I
will allow you to join the church on probationary conditions.”

Then he turned to the young couple, who looked very
uncomfortable. “And you, my children?” The girl burst into
tears; the boy hung his head. “Well?” insisted the priest. The
boy spoke up. “Well, Father, we were okay for the first 2 days.
But on the third day, my wife wore those little shorts that
drive me nuts. We tried to ignore the sinful urges, but we just
couldn’t fight it. I bent her over the meat freezer and took her
then and there.” The priest frowned and shook his head. “I’m
sorry, but you two are not welcome in the Catholic Church. The
girl sobbed, “We’re not welcome in the supermarket either!”

3 guys die, a miss understanding

3 Guys wait in line to get into heave, as they await in front of
the Pearly Gates, St. Peter asks them all, “How did u die?”

The first man said,”Well, you see, i came home early from work
one day because I thought my wife might be cheating on me. So i
came home and saw her in bed naked, but there was no one there.
i looked in the closet, in the bathroom and the cellar. No one
there. i was about to give up when i saw ten little finger
hanging on the window. So i jumped on the ledge and i started
to stomp and punch his fingers. he finally let go,he bounced
down the road, through a bush and into the park,not a scratch on
him. Then i through my fridge and it fell on him and killed him.
i felt so bad that i killed myself afterwards.”

St.Peter, “ok you’re in”

The second guy said,” Well u see, i was cleaning the windows of
an apartment building and then the ropes of the platform broke
and i was hanging by a window ledge. Then out of no where this
guy jumps on the ledge and starts to stomp and punch and fingers
and i finally let go. i bounced down the road through a bush
and into the park, not a scratch on me. then, out of no where a
fridge lands on me and kills me.”

St. Peter said, “ok ur in”

The third guy says,” well u see, i was fooling around with a
married woman. she said she heard her husband come home, so i
hid in the fridge…….”

Room Check

There were 100 nuns in a nunnery and a head nun. one day the
head nun said I’ve done a room check and 99 rooms were perfect
except 1. in that 1 room I found a pair of boxer shorts. 99 nuns
went agrhhh and 1 nun went hehehe.

The head nun carried on and in those boxer shorts I found a
condom. 99 nuns went agrhhhh and 1 nun went hehehe. Hhe head nun
then said ‘and in that condom i found a hole’ and 99 nuns went
hehehe and 1 nun went aggrrrrrhhhhhhhh!!!!!

I Can Not Tell The Name

Tommy O’Connor went to confession and said, “Forgive me
father for I have sinned.”

“What have you done Tommy O’Connor?”

“I had sex with a girl.”

“Who was it, Tommy?”

“I cannot tell you father, please forgive me for my sin.”

“Was it Mary Margaret Sullivan?”

“No father, please forgive me for my sin but I cannot
tell you who it was.”

“Was it Catherine Mary McKenzie?” “No father, please
forgive me for my sin.”

“Well then it has to be, Sarah Martha O’Keefe.”

“No father, please forgive me, I cannot tell you who it
was.”

“Okay, Tommy go say 5 Hail Mary’s and 4 Our Fathers and
you will be abolished of your sin.”

So Tommy walked out to the pews where his friend Joseph
was waiting.

“What did ya get?” asked Joseph.

“Well I got 5 hail Marys, 4 Our Fathers, and 3 good leads.”

Trade for Lawn Mower

A preacher was making his rounds to his parishoners on a
bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn
mower.

“How much do you want for the mower?” asked the preacher.

“I’m just trying to make enough money to buy a bicycle,” said
the little boy.

After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, “Will you
take my bike in trade for it?”

The boy said, “You got a deal.”

The preacher took the mower and tried to crank it. He pulled on
the string a few times with no response from the mower.

The preacher called the little boy over and said, “I can’t get
this mower to start.”

The little boy said, “That’s ’cause you have to cuss at it to
get it started.”

The preacher said, “I’m a minister, and I can’t cuss. It’s been
so long since I’ve been saved that I don’t know if I even
remember how to cuss.”

The little boy looked at him happily and said, “Just keep
pulling on that string. It’ll come back to ya!”

The Pope’s New Camera

One day a man was taking a tour of the Vatican, snapping
pictures with his camera as he went. But suddenly, he had this
urge to go to the washroom, but he held it in because the tour
guide told the group that they were going to see the pope! And
he was excited.

So they met the pope, and the man was very happy having met the
pope. When the pope left, he decided to go to the washroom,
finally, since he really had to go. He followed the signs to the
washrooms, unknowingly following the pope as he went.

He entered the washroom not knowing that the pope had just
entered the washroom. And since we all know that the pope is
horny, as he always is, he is jacking off to a nudie-mag in the
stall.

Unbeknownst to the man, he enters the same stall as the pope,
who is jerkin’ his gerkin. Completely astonished, the man snaps
a picture.

“Whoa, wait” pleads the pope, “You can’t let that picture get to
the media. It will be spread all over the world, they would tear
me apart! I will be ruined. You have to sell me that camera. I
will give you $1000 for it.”

“Whoa, a thousand bucks!” exclaims the man, “That is more than
five times what I paid for it! I will do it! Yeah!”

So he sells his camera to the pope, and leaves happy, but after
he utilizes the facilities. The pope opens up the camera,
exposing the film as to erase the discriminating evidence. While
he was doing this he realizes that his new camera is quite nice,
so he keeps it.

Later, the pope goes on a much needed and wanted vacation. He
visits Amsterdam, and during his many travels, he goes on some
tours.

One day he is snapping photos with his $1000 camera. Another
tourist, not recognizing the pope, remarks: “That is a really
nice camera. How much did you spend on it?”

“Well, I bought it from this guy for a thousand dollars.” says
the pope.

“Oh boy!” remarks the other tourist, “he must have seen you
coming!”

3 curious nuns

There were three nuns. One day the priest said ” if you want to
stay in this convent you have to wash any part of our body you
have touched with a penis. After hearing this the first nun goes
to the bowl ofholy water and washes her hand. The second nun
washes her butt.But the third one refuses to use the water
saying “if you expect
me to gargle that water after she put her butt in it your crazy!”

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