10. Those who have it would be devastated if it was ever cut off.9. Those who have it think that those who don’t are somehow inferior.8. Those who don’t have it may agree that it’s neat, but think it’s not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.7. Many of those who don’t have it would like to try it, a phenomenon psychologists call “E-mail Envy,” 6. It’s more fun when it’s up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.5. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people think that’s the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun.4. If you don’t take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.3. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.2. If you’re not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lotof trouble. And the number one reason Why E-mail is Like a Penis…1. If you play with it too much, you’ll go blind.

In the days when Sussman was a novice Minsky once came to him as he sat hacking at the PDP-6.”What are you doing?”, asked Minsky.”I am training a randomly wired neural net to play Tic-Tac-Toe.” “Why is the net wired randomly?”, asked Minsky.”I do not want it to have any preconceptions of how to play.” Minsky shut his eyes.”Why do you close your eyes?”, Sussman asked his teacher.”So the room will be empty.” At that moment, Sussman was enlightened.

IBM compatible – IBM contemptible

(With apologies to Country Joe McDonald, who had nothing to do with this parody.)Gimme a Y! Y!Gimme a 2! 2!Gimme a K! K!What’s that spell ? Y2K!What’s that spell ? Y2K!What’s that spell ? Y2K!Yeah, come on all of you, big strong nerds,Uncle Sam’s laid a bunch of turds.He’s got himself in a terrible placeWay down yonder in cyberspaceSo put down your books and pick up a mouse,We’re gonna fix this whole damn house.And it’s one, two, three,What are we coding for ?< Yippiee! >Don’t ask me, I don’t give a damn,Next stop is on the LAN;And it’s five, six, seven,Open up for William Gates,Well there ain’t no time to wonder why,Whoopee! we’re all gonna die.

Top 15 Signs That You’ve Had Too Much Of the 90′s

15. You try to enter your password on the microwave

14. You haven’t played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.

13. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

12. You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he e-mails you back ”What’s for dinner?”

11. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

10. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven’t spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.

9. Your daughter just bought on CD, all the records your college roommate used to play that you most despised.

8. Every commercial on television has a web site address at the bottom of the screen.

7. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date. And now sells for half the price you paid.

6. The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.

5. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of you car.

4. Your reason for not staying in touch with your family is that they do not have e-mail address.

3. You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.

2. You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet.

And the Number 1 sign that your had too much of the 90′s….

1. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.

If Dell ran Christmas…Wait a minute? Isn’t IBM running this Christmas..?

The following appeared in a computer magazine in Mr. Dvorak’s
column:

Dear Mr. Dvorak:

Ann Landers wouldn’t print this. I have nowhere else to turn. I
have to get the word out. Warn other parents. I must be rambling
on. Let me try and explain. It’s about my son, Billy. He’s
always been a good, normal ten year old boy. Well, last spring
we sat down after dinner to select a summer camp for Billy. We
sorted through the camp brochures. There were the usual camps
with swimming, canoeing, games, singing by the campfire–you
know. There were sports camps and specialty camps for weight
reduction, music, military camps and camps that specialized in
Tibetan knot tying.

I tried to talk him into Camp Winnepoopoo. It’s where he went
last year. (He made an adorable picture out of painted pinto
beans and macaroni). Billy would have none of it. Billy pulled a
brochure out of his pocket. It was for a COMPUTER CAMP! We
should have put our foot down right there, if only we had known.
He left three weeks ago. I don’t know what’s happened. He’s
changed. I can’t explain it. See for yourself. These are some of
my little Billy’s letters.

**********
Dear Mom,
The kids are dorky nerds. The food stinks. The computers are the
only good part. We’re learning how to program. Late at night is
the best time to program, so they let us stay up.
Love, Billy.

**********
Dear Mom,
Camp is O.K. Last night we had pizza in the middle of the night.
We all get to choose what we want to drink. I drink Classic
Coke. By the way, can you make Szechuan food? I’m getting used
to it now. Gotta go, it’s time for the flowchart class.
Love, Billy.
P.S. This is written on a word processor. Pretty swell, huh?
It’s spell checked too.

**********
Dear Mom,
Don’t worry. We do regular camp stuff. We told ghost stories by
the glow of the green computer screens. It was real neat. I
don’t have much of a tan ’cause we don’t go outside very often.
You can’t see the computer screen in the sunlight anyway. That
wimp camp I went to last year fed us weird food too. Lay off,
Mom. I’m okay, really.
Love, Billy.

**********
Dear Mom,
I’m fine. I’m sleeping enough. I’m eating enough. This is the
best camp ever. We scared the counselor with some phony worm
code. It was real funny. He got mad and yelled. Frederick says
it’s okay. Can you send more money? I spent mine on a pocket
protector and a box of blank diskettes. I’ve got to chip in on
the phone bill. Did you know that you can talk to people on a
computer? Give my regards to Dad.
Love, Billy.

**********
Dear Mother,
Forget the money for the telephone. We’ve got a way to not pay.
Sorry I haven’t written. I’ve been learning a lot. I’m real good
at getting onto any computer in the country. It’s really easy! I
got into the university’s in less than fifteen minutes.
Frederick did it in five, he’s going to show me how. Frederick
is my bunk partner. He’s really smart. He says that I shouldn’t
call myself Billy anymore. So, I’m not.
Signed, William.

**********
Dear Mother,
How nice of you to come up on Parents Day. Why’d you get so
upset? I haven’t gained that much weight. The glasses aren’t
real. Everybody wears them. I was trying to fit in. Believe me,
the tape on them is cool. I thought that you’d be proud of my
program. After all, I’ve made some money on it. A publisher is
sending a check for $30,000. Anyway, I’ve paid for the next six
weeks of camp. I won’t be home until late August.
Regards, William.

**********
Mother,
Stop treating me like a child. True–physically I am only ten
years old. It was silly of you to try to kidnap me. Do not try
again. Remember, I can make your life miserable (i.e. – the
bank, credit bureau, and government computers). I am not
kidding. O.K.? I won’t write again and this is your only
warning. The emotions of this interpersonal communication drain
me.
Sincerely, William.

**********

See what I mean? It’s been two weeks since I’ve heard from my
little boy. What can I do, Mr. Dvorak? I know that it’s probably
too late to save my little Billy. But, if by printing these
letters you can save JUST ONE CHILD from a life of programming,
please, I beg of you to do so. Thank you very much.

Sally Gates,

Concerned Parent

A computer salesman, a hardware engineer, and a software engineer are
driving in a car together. Suddenly the right rear tire blows out, ahd the
car rolls to a stop. Our three heroes pile out to investigate.

The salesman tsk-tsks sadly. “Time to buy a new car!” he announces.

Says the hardware engineer, “Well, first let’s try swapping the front and
rear tires, and see if that fixes it.”

Replies the software engineer, “Now, let’s just try driving the car again,
and maybe the problem will go away by itself.”

At a recent computer software engineering course, the participants were given an awkward question to answer:

“If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would disembark immediately?”

Only one man sat motionless among the ensuing forest of raised hands. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay aboard. With his team’s software, he said, the plane was unlikely to taxi as far as the runway let alone take off.