An old man was in bed with his wife when suddenly he let out a loud fart. He yelled, “7 points!”His wife looked at him and said, “What the hell are you doing?”He simply replied, “Just playing bed football.”Ten minutes later the wife let a loud one and said, “Tie game – 7,7.”The husband’s competitive side kicked in and he started starting straining… when suddenly he crapped his pants! His wife looks over and said, “Now what’s the score?”He said, “Still 7,7. End of quarter switch sides!!!”
Tiger Woods was teeing up on the first hole of the Open championship, he hit his first shot and it sliced to the right.
His next shot was no better, again he sliced it right.
Feeling disgruntled, he jokingly asked if anyone could prevent him from making the ball go right.
And to his suprise a little old lady pushed her way to the front of the crowd and said she had some magic powder that would stop his shots going right.
Tiger was a bit dubious about this, but thought he would have nothing to lose.
He teed up the ball and the little old lady sprinkled this magic powder onto the ball.
Tiger took his shot and it went 320 yards straight down the middle of the fairway.
Tiger was impressed. He lined up his next shot and again the little old lady sprinkled the magic powder on to his ball.
Again it flew straight as an arrow and finished two feet from the flag.
Tiger was amazed at this and asked the little old lady what the magic powder was.
“It’s Daz,” said the little old lady.
“Daz!?” exclaimed Tiger.
“Yes, Daz,” said the little old lady, “Apparently it stops colors from fading!”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
An army Major visiting the sick soldiers, went to one private and asked, “What’s your problem, Soldier?”"Chronic syphilis, Sir.”"What treatment are you getting?”"Five minutes with the wire brush each day.”"What’s your ambition?”"To get back to the front, Sir.”"Good man,” said the Major.He went to the next bed, “What’s your problem, Soldier?”"Chronic piles, Sir.” “What treatment are you getting?”"Five minutes with the wire brush each day.”"What’s your ambition?”"To get back to the front, Sir.”"Good man,” barked the Major. He moved to the next bed, “What’s your problem, Soldier?”"Chronic gum disease, Sir”"What treatment are you getting?”"Five minutes with the wire brush each day.”"What’s your ambition?”"To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir!”
Things not to say to young ladies immediately afterwards:
- Now slag off.
- Well that was bloody awful.
- Do you always make that appalling noise?
A woman walks into a bar and orders two shots. She downs the first one, “This is for the shame,” and then the second one,” This is for the glory.”
She then orders two more shots. She drinks the first one, “This is for the shame,” and then the second one, “This is for the glory.”
She is about to order two more shots when the bartender stops her, “Ma’am, I was just wondering…what’s this about shame and glory?”
“Well,” she replies, “I like to do my housework naked. But when I bent over to pick something up, my great dane mounted me from behind.”
“That must be the shame,” the bartender said.
“No, that was the glory. The shame is when we got locked up and he dragged me around the front yard for thirty minutes.”
The firemen finally get a huge fire under control, and Chief Brown has all of his men accounted for except Olson and Rosolino.
After a few minutes search, the chief looks down an alley, and there’s Rosolino, leaning over a trash can. His pants are down to his ankles, and Olson is banging away from behind.
Chief Brown says, “What the hell is going on?”
Olson replies, “Rosolino passed out from smoke inhalation.”
The chief says, “Smoke inhalation? You’re supposed to give him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation!”
Olson says, “I did, Chief, but then one thing led to another…”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
If a month would be only 24 hrs long, we would get paid every day
and women would bleed to death.
Bruce and Joe were down on their luck and needed a beer.After checking their pockets and finding only 50 cents,Bruce came up with a brilliant idea.”I’ll take the 50 cents and show you how we can drink all day for free!” He went into a butcher’s shop and bought a single sausage,which he stuck in Joe’s fly. They then went to a nearby bar.”Two beers,” said Bruce to the barman. They downed the beers as fast as they could and the barman waited for the money. All of a sudden, Bruce got down on his knees and began sucking the sausage hanging out of Joe’s fly.”Get out of my bar, you gay bastards!” the barman screamed and booted them out the door. They did this all day, going to about 16 bars and getting thrown out before paying for their beers.”I just can’t do this anymore,” Bruce whined.”My knees are getting sore from kneeling down on the floor so much. We’ll have to swap places.”"We can’t,” said Joe.”We lost the sausage after the third pub.”
A man asked the waiter for a look at the dessert menu, which the waiter produced from a special pouch in his uniform. The man ordered a desert, and the waiter relayed the information to the kitchen via a special communications device built into his wrist watch. When desert arrived, the man was without a spoon. The waiter produced one from his breast pocket. The man was amazed. He asked the waiter how it is that the waiter is so well prepared to handle every problem without ever having to return to the kitchen. The waiter answered that the owner is an efficiency expert who wanted everything to run without a wasted moment. The man asked the purpose of the string tied to every waiters’ trousers. The waiter replied that, when he uses the urinal, he avoids dirtying his hands (and therefore doesn’t need to waste time washing them). He simply pulls the string, and his penis pops out. The man asked the waiter how he gets his penis back in. The waiter replied, “That’s easy…. I use the spoon.”
Q: How do you recognize a prostitute from Phuket?
A: she’s the one wearing fishnet…