Susie came skipping up the walk. She opened the door and said,
“Mommy! I got a 100 today!” The mother replied, “That’s great,
dear! What did you get it in?” “Two things,” Susie said. “I got
a 46 in science, and a 54 in mathematics.”

Little Johnny came home one day and told his dad he had a tough
day in math. “What happend?” asked his dad. “The teacher got mad
at me.” Little Johnny grumbled.

“What for?” his dad asked. “She asked me what 2 x 3was. I told
her 6.” “Well, that’s right.” Said the dad. “I know.” Said
Little Johnny.

“But then she asked me what 3 x 2 was.” “Christ! It’s the same
fucking thing!” Cried the father. “I know! That’s exactly what I
told her,” huffed Little Johnny.

Kid : Do you punish people for things they don’t do?
Teacher: No.
Kid : Great! I didn’t do my homework.

“Today in class”, said Mrs. Johnson the kindergarten teacher.
“Were going to play a guessing game”.

“Ok here we go, its a fruit, its yellow, and tastes good”.
Little Susie raised her hand. “its a lemon!” “No I’m sorry its a
banana but I’m glad to se your thinking”

“Next one, its red, a fruit, grows on trees “. “Its a ball, “No
its a apple but I’m glad to see your thinking”.

Little Johnny stands up and says “I got one, ok it long and
hard, has a pink tip and is in my pocket.” “JOHNNY!” “That’s
inappropriate.”

“It’s a pencil but I’m glad to see your thinking.”

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was
trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

“Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all
grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer; she’s a lawyer, or that’s
Michael; he’s a doctor.’”

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, “And there’s the
teacher; she’s dead.”

Bobby was in kindergarten. “For homework, I want all of you
to go home and find out the first four letters of the alphabet,”
said the teacher. So when Bobby got home, he went to his mother,
who was talking on the phone.
“What’s the first letter of the alphabet?” he asked.
“Aw, shut up,” said his mom. Next, Bobby went to his brother,
who was watching TV.
“What’s the second letter of the alphabet?” Bobby asked.
“FREAKAZOID!” exclaimed his brother, who had not heard a word
of what Bobby had said. Next, Bobby went to his sister, who had
on her headphones and was dancing around like crazy to a song.
“What’s the third letter of the alphabet?” he asked.
“Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!” she said. Next, Bobby went to his dad,
who was taking out the garbage.
“What’s the fourth letter of the alphabet?” Bobby asked.
“Trash, trash, trash!” his dad said. The next day at school,
Bobby’s teacher called on him.
“Bobby, what’s the first letter of the alphabet?” she asked.
“Aw, shut up!” said Bobby.
“Who do you think you are?” she asked angrily.
“FREAKAZOID!” answered Bobby.
“Do you want to go to the principal’s office?!!”
“Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!” he said. So, his teacher took Bobby to
the principal’s office.
“What do you think this school is?” demanded the principal.
“Trash, trash, trash!”

Children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Christian school
for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The teacher made a note, “Take only one apple, God is watching!”
Moving through the line, to the other end of the table, was a
large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A young boy wrote a note,
“Take all you want, God is watching the apples.”

You know you’ve been out of college too long when…

- Your potted plants stay alive.

- Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.

- You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

- 6:00 a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.

- You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.

- You carry an umbrella.

- You watch the Weather Channel.

- Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook-up and break-up.

- You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.

- Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as “dressed up.”

- You’re the one calling the police because those damn kids next
door don’t know how to turn down the stereo.

- Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

- You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

- Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

- You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds.

- Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.

- You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.

- Dinner and a movie – The whole date instead of the beginning
of one.

- MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.

- You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not
condoms and pregnancy test kits.

- A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer “pretty good stuff.”

- You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

- Grocery lists are longer than macaroni and cheese, Diet Pepsi
and Ho-ho’s.

- “I just can’t drink the way I used to,” replaces, “I’m never
going to drink that much again.”

- Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for
real work.

- You don’t get liquored up at home, to save money, before going
to a bar.

- It takes you all night to do what you used to do all night.

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade
class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing
high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one
of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, “What’s
so funny, Pat?” “I just saw one of your garters!”

“Get out of my classroom,” she yells, “I don’t want to see you
for three days!”

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had
forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top
of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from
another male student. She quickly turns and asks, “What’s so
funny, Billy?”

“I just saw both of your garters!”

Again, she yells, “Get out of my classroom! This time the
punishment is more severe, I don’t want to see you for three
weeks!”

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns
around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there
is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly
turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

“Where do you think you’re going?” she asks.

“From what I just saw, my school days are over!”

What Reading Can Do
From Dilbert.

Reading is knowledge
Knowledge is power
Power corrupts
corrupton is a crime
crime doesn’t pay
if you keep reading you’ll go broke.

“It always seemed so harmless”

That’s what librarians want you to think.