The Joke Forum Blog

Need a Laugh Read it, Have a Joke Tell it

Need a Laugh Read it, Have a Joke Tell it. The place to have a lot of laughs. Kill some time, Leave a joke or two

The Joke Forum Blog - Need a Laugh Read it, Have a Joke Tell it

U-Boat

A couple was touring a shipyard area in a coastal city of Italy when they saw a strange looking craft. They stopped and asked a worker, “Sir, is that a U-boat?
“No,” he replied, shesa belonga to da goverment.”

The Main Gate

A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, ‘Halt, who goes there?’The chauffeur, a corporal, says, ‘General Wheeler.”I’m sorry, I can’t let you through. My orders are that you’ve got to have a sticker on the windshield.’The general said, ‘Drive on!’The sentry said, ‘Hold it! You really can’t come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker.’The general repeated, ‘I’m telling you, son, drive on!’The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, ‘General, I’m new at this. Do I shoot you or the the driver?’

Military Intelligence

Actual Air Force Maintenance Complaints

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.

Problem: “Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.”

Solution: “Almost replaced left inside main tire.”

Problem: “Test flight OK, except auto land very rough.”

Solution: “Auto land not installed on this aircraft.”

Problem #1: “#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid.”

Solution #1: “#2 Propeller seepage normal.”

Problem #2: “#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage.”

Problem: “The autopilot doesn’t.”

Signed off: “IT DOES NOW.”

Problem: “Something loose in cockpit.”

Solution: “Something tightened in cockpit.”

Problem: “Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear.”

Solution: “Evidence removed.”

Problem: “DME volume unbelievably loud.”

Solution: “Volume set to more believable level.”

Problem: “Dead bugs on windshield.”

Solution: “Live bugs on order.”

Problem: “Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm

descent.”

Solution: “Cannot reproduce problem on ground.”

Problem: “IFF inoperative.”

Solution: “IFF inoperative in OFF mode.”

Problem: “Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.”

Solution: “That’s what they’re there for.”

Problem: “Number three engine missing.”

Solution: “Engine found on right wing after brief search.”

Hitler and the Pig

Adolf Hitler is speeding through Germany with his chauffeur at the wheel on his way to an important address.
Driving down a country road, the chauffeur (who is distracted, looking out the window at the countryside) doesn’t see a pig walk out onto the road, and he hits in with the car.

Stopping the car, he jumps out, and Adolf climbs out also to see what is going on. The chauffeur, very distressed by what he’s done asks Hitler what they should do, and Hitler tells him impatiently that they’re in a hurry and they should move the pig to the side of the road and go to the address and worry about it later.

All the way to the address the chauffeur, who is a fairly good-hearted person despite his employer, is worried about the family who owned the pig and wondered how they’d react to discovering the pig, so when they arrived he asked Hitler whether he shouldn’t drive back to the farm and let them know what happened.

Hitler agrees before hurrying to the podium, and the Chauffeur hurries back down the road.

Four hours later, stumbling down the road, his arms full of sausage and bread and his breath smelling of liquor.

Hitler in a rage demands to know what has happened to him, and the chauffeur explains, “I did what I thought was right. I went to the farm where I killed the pig. When I went and knocked on the door and gave them the news, they gave me this sausage and bread, fed me the best ale I’ve ever tasted and let me have their way with their beautiful nubile young daughter and then sent me on my way.”

Adolf seemed confused by this and asks his chauffeur, “well what exactly did you tell them?”

To which the chauffeur replied “I really can’t understand it either, all I did was tell them “I’m Hitler’s Chauffeur, and I killed the pig.”

US Air Force Humor!

“Squawks” are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.

(P)=PROBLEM (S)=SOLUTION

(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire

(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft

(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid
(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal – #1 #3 and #4 propellers
lack normal seepage

(P) Something loose in cockpit
(S) Something tightened in cockpit

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
(S) Evidence removed

(P) DME volume unbelievably loud
(S) Volume set to more believable level

(P) Dead bugs on windshield
(S) Live bugs on order

(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent
(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground

(P) IFF inoperative
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode
(IFF-Identification Friend or Foe)

(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
(S) That’s what they’re there for

(P) Number three engine missing
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search

(P) Aircraft handles funny
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, “fly right” and be serious!

(P) Target Radar hums
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics

Gun Barrel

A man joins the crew of a ship. After a few days he gets restless and asks “What does one do about sex around here?”

The others direct him to a large gun barrel with a hole in it. At first he does not like the idea much but, when he tries it, he finds it surprisingly enjoyable. He has another go the next day, and again the day after.

Then he asks, “Can I do this every day?”.
“Yes, every day, except Wednesdays”.
“Why not on Wednesdays?”
“Wednesdays is YOUR turn inside the barrel!”

QR Code Business Card